valentine's day Bad Catholic...

Yes, I am going to admit that is what I am. I have every intention of becoming a 'good' Catholic or whatever that means, but I'll be honest, I haven't been 'good' for some time.

I was raised in a fairly strict Catholic home. I attended Catholic School 1-8th, which was one of, if not the best, thing that created my educational foundation. I attended church regularly during the week and on the weekends with my mother or grandmother.

In high school, I wanted to go out on Saturday nights so I went to 1st Mass by myself, in order to appease my mother. I will admit, I did sleep in my car one morning in the church parking lot, instead of going. But that only happened once.

Since my grandmother died, church has always been different. Every single holiday I attend Mass with my family, my mother cries... and I don't be a tear, I mean full on cries. Every holiday - Easter, Christmas, Mother's Day, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday.... every single one. And when I sit in church it reminds me of that, I know that's a horrible excuse for not attending Mass (so no reprimand needed).

The Jetplanes where married in the Catholic Church, the church that I attended as a young girl (prior to moving due to Mama Jetplane getting re-married), the church my mother's entire family went to school at, and the church my grandma attended every Sunday for early mass. I did this more for my mother then for me. Mr. Jetplane is not religious, but has agreed to have our children be raised Catholic (which is rather impressive to me). I wanted to get married at a vineyard, Mama Jetplane wasn't having that at all.

Am I happy that I got married in the church? Yes, I feel my grandmother's presence in that church.

After my mother was diagnosed with cancer in the Fall, she delved back into her religion. While I pray on a regular basis, I still don't attend Mass. I don't have a real excuse other than pure laziness and complacency about my faith. I was angry at God for giving my mom (the most wonderful person in the world) breast cancer and I begged and prayed that he take the cancer away. He listened and heard our prayers, because my mother's cancer was Stage 1 and since she chose a double mastectomy, she has no need for chemo and/or radiation. We were very lucky. My mother knew her risks all along, my grandmother and great-grandmother had breast cancer, she was pro-active and that's what saved her.

But all that being said, you would think that would encourage me to go to Mass again.

So today, on the beginning of Lent, I'm going to start to evaluate my faith and find my way, so to speak. I want to raise my children in a Catholic home, I believe faith is important in a child's upbringing, no matter the religion.

Wow, I got really deep this morning. Excuse my ramblings, its just something that I've been feeling for some time and it all came out this morning in some form or fashion.